I have a great life.
But this morning, when I woke up, I noticed that my heart was anxious. I couldn't quite put my finger on why. But it became evident on my drive to school. There was a small whisper in the back of my mind, telling me, "You don't have enough. If only you _____, then you'd be happy."
If only I had worn a cuter outfit. If only I had a newer car. If only I was out of school. If only I wasn't so busy. If only I had more friends. If only I did more. If only I ate healthier. If only then.
There was an anxious feeling in my gut as I went through my day. My discontentment that was a small whisper in the morning had grown into comparison, complaining, an ungrateful heart. I was studying at school, trying to get some work done, but all I could think about was how everyone else has a more beautiful, fun, easy life than I do, and that's why everyone seems happier than me. Because their lives are easier. And all I have to do is try and try and try and strive to be better and then I'll be happier.
But I knew it was a lie.
The truth is I have a truly wonderful, beautiful life. For starters, I hold the basic belief that the Creator of the stars and the flowers and all things beautiful died for me, was beaten for me, bled for me, on this day- this Good Friday, when I was ugly and poor and dirty. When I am lost and running around striving and trying to be good but failing miserably and running from vice to vice and when I am cold and distant and rude and unkind and ungrateful and prideful, this Jesus died for me. He devised a plan to make me beautiful. I deserve death but He has given me life.
I am awkward and unsure and discontent in my own life most days, unless I really fight for thankfulness and beauty. But I have been given a beautiful life through this God. I can chose whether to embrace the beauty or not.
Everyday is beautiful.
- The story of my life is beautiful because You hand wrote it and You have redeemed my life from the pit.
- I am blessed with health and youth but also years of life, and time keeps ticking away and that is beautiful.
- I have a big, loving, loud, family and they are messy and they are beautiful.
- I have two loyal best friends who have been by my side for years and years and have known me at my best and and have known me at my worst and while they feel so far away right now, they are so beautiful.
- I have a boyfriend who has loved me unconditionally and takes care of me and makes me laugh and we fight and he pursues and he is beautiful.
- Not everyday is an adventure but somedays are and everyday is beautiful.
- The anxiety comes and the racing thoughts and the panic attacks and the tears and the fears and it's always here but it's apart of my story and it makes the good times sweeter so anxiety is beautiful.
- The depression comes and it is dark and it makes me tremble but it is a part of my story and I will overcome and it makes the sunshine times sweeter, so depression is beautiful.
- Things change and it is beautiful.
- I have much to do and little time to slow down but when I do, boy, is it beautiful.
- I have seen sad things and felt pain and hurt and it is beautiful.
- I have laughed until I ached and smiled at lovely things and that is beautiful.
- I have a healthy, capable body that takes care of me and despite my desire for it look otherwise sometimes, I am beautiful.
- Everyone is different and I don't need to compare because everyone is beautiful.
On this Good Friday, I am thankful for the Death that has brought me life and gives me power to call my life beautiful.