For two years, I was in the middle of a major depressive episode. The weather gets colder and the sun goes down sooner and it reminds me so much of those years. Depression does not mean sadness. During those two years, I don’t think I could say I ever felt the emotion of sadness. Depression is NUMBNESS. Numbness to life. You can see the most beautiful sunset and feel nothing. You can eat the most wonderful food and taste nothing. You can have your amazing fiancé tell you how much he loves you and have those words fall so empty, it’s like you never even heard them at all. You’re a shell of a person, walking through life like a zombie. You feel like someone on the sideline, watching life happen to everyone else. It’s almost like you don’t belong here, you aren’t participating. Once you know the joys of a beautiful sunset, your favorite food, the love of good people, it’s hard to live life without them. It’s like you know how good life can be but yet you can’t feel anything anymore. It’s the worst. It’s the darkest. I wouldn’t wish it on the person I hated most. It’s the scariest because you’re sick- so sick-but you can still put on makeup and get dressed and fake it. You’re sick but you can’t talk about it because talking about “your depression” out loud is the number one way to make someone else feel uncomfortable and awkward. So you live life, dark, quiet, alone. Feeling so much that you aren’t even human that it isn’t even worth it to bother someone else with your struggles. Last week for #worldmentalhealthday I posted a part of my story on Facebook and Instagram. It was scary because I struggled with this for years and didn’t talk about it. Too many damn people are killing themselves or thinking about it because their brains are torturing them and it isn’t their fault. They don’t realize that talking about it is okay. “Normal” people are depressed too. Medicine is okay. Admitting it isn’t shameful. Talk about it.

It’s below 60 degrees so it’s officially winter and I’m not leaving my house until April so see ya never. ✌🏼🍂

I first remember being depressed when I was 10. I remember having my first panic attack at 11. I wouldn’t sleep because I was paranoid that someone would break into our house. I remember crying in my room when my parents said they’d be home at 10:00 and the babysitter was still there at 10:05 because I knew they were dead in a car crash somewhere. I don’t remember a lot of my middle school years because I spent so much of it being on and off again depressed and anxious. I had my first life-altering panic attack while working retail in college. That was the day my life changed. Ever since that day in college, I have struggled with a generalized anxiety disorder, panic attacks and depression. Because of my panic attacks, I stopped driving for a while. I failed two classes, which postponed my graduation date. Throughout my time in college, I was enrolled in disability services for my anxiety and depression. I was told by my professor that my anxiety isn’t real and direct quote: she’s had “students with Down Syndrome who have it more together than you do.” I’ve lost countless friendships due to depression. I’ve sat outside Shepherd Pratt on the phone with Brandon, wondering if I should go inside because there was so much darkness, I couldn’t breathe. I avoided shopping malls and movie theaters and anything with a crowd for YEARS. I’ve been the girl that is sobbing, hyperventilating, yelling, cursing, crying in public because my damn brain won’t give me a second. If I showered that day, it was an accomplishment. I had a panic attack when Brandon asked me to marry him and on our wedding day. I’ve done all the therapy, medicine, oils, CBD, yoga, diets. Mental illness has stolen so many beautiful moments from my life but without it, I wouldn’t know the unconditional love of my God, my husband, my family and my friends. I wouldn’t be so strong, confident or self-aware. I wouldn’t think twice about calling the yelling homeless lady on the stress “crazy” or judging the kid who yells and curses at me in my class. I don’t like to share my story but in honor of #worldmentalhealthday I hope just one person sees a light at the end of the tunnel. You are loved. 💕

Wearing all black cause I’m mourning the loss of summer...I still ain’t over it. 😭

I started Irish dancing when I was 7. It was there where I fell in love with Irish music, Irish language, where I felt a little more connected to my roots. My dance school moved after a few years + I stopped going. But I still practiced. I studied dancing videos on YouTube. I schemed for ways to save money to pay my own tuition to go to a new school. I unashamedly have been to more Celtic Woman concerts with my mom than I can count. When I met my Greek husband who just so happened to be as in love with Ireland as I was, we planned our dream trip to Ireland. We have planned to go every summer since we’ve been married...and always cancel at the last minute when we finally realize how financially irresponsible it would be. Until then, we go to lots of Irish pubs. We follow a local Irish band. We’ve learned Gaelic together. (Do you get it? We’re nerds.) My dream has been to go back to dancing. It’s something I would think about often...but then tell myself how I’m too old and it’s dumb. This year, my amazing husband handed me money and told me to go to dance class. So I did. I’ve been going to an adult Irish dance class since April. And I love it with all my heart. It’s hard. I’m like not good AT ALL cause I’m 25 which is basically 1,000 in the world of Irish dance. It’s silly but I love it. I’ve always wanted a pair of hard shoes cause the sound they make is perfect. I’ve priced them out but the thought of spending a couple HUNDRED dollars on adult dance shoes seems silly, frivolous, “it’s just a nerdy hobby” I tell myself. So I dance in sneakers + have a blast anyways. Last night, I went to class + I found myself in a conversation with my dance teacher who asked if I had ever tried hard shoes. When I told her no, she handed me a pair. They were the perfect size. They were donated to the school for free. I could have them. And in that moment, I literally felt God smiling and saying “It’s not silly. It’s important to you, so it’s important to me. You wouldn’t get them for yourself so I got em for you. Enjoy this beautiful, fun, nerdy world I made.” There is a God who loves to lavish GOOD GIFTS ON YOU 😭 Bring on the blisters and see you fools on March 17th! 🍀

I have a complicated relationship with food. I love it, I hate it. It mainly just hates me. It’s tried to kill me (yo, Celiac and lactose intolerant friends, whadddupp) It’s made me fat. It’s comforted me only to make me feel disgusting minutes later. But it’s also so good and brings my favorite people together and brings JOY to my life and I constantly think about my next meal cause YUM. It’s complicated, okay?? I started eating healthier when I went gluten-free vegetarian. Then, I went dairy-free. Then, I cut eggs. For a while, I even cut sugar and oil. I felt great. I love eating healthy. It’s therapeutic. It’s helped my mental health immensely. It’s helped me make peace with my body. Because of that, I rarely buy processed foods or snacks. We eat lots of rices, beans, quinoa, lentils, fresh fruits and veggies, nuts, tofu, potatoes, smoothies...and it tastes 100000x better than it sounds. But, there is also the idea of IT’S A LOT OF DANG WORK AND THINKING AND PREPPING. So I decided that we were gonna take it easy this week. Thank goodness for amazing companies that make delicious, pseudo-healthy food in a box. So that’s how I’m learning grace with myself. I’m learning it’s okay to eat a frozen dinner once in a while. It’s okay to not track your macros and nutrients every meal of the day. It’s okay to buy potato chips. (Did I mention my relationship with food is...complicated?) This won’t be my new norm, but I’m challenging you to step out of your comfort zone for better or worse. ✌🏼

If you can’t tell me your favorite show from 1 Saturday Morning on ABC, we can’t be friends. P.S. Mine were Pepper Ann + Recess, obv 🤷🏻‍♀️ P.P.S. I still have the theme song randomly pop in my head sometimes...

RIP to this mascara cause This is Us is on tonight... 😢

#MoneyMonday // If you wanna pay off that debt, save for that house, buy the car in cash or pursue that small business you wanna open...you can’t do it all. Studies show that if you wanna be more successful with money, you gotta have ONE FOCUS. It can’t be paying off student loans, saving for a house AND going to Europe next summer. Gotta pick one. It sucks, but do what NO ONE ELSE is doing so in a few years, you can live like NO ONE ELSE. (#daveramsey) 💸 Our number one goal currently is to pay off our student loan debt ASAP. We refuse to be in our 30s and 40s as a slave to Sallie Mae. NO WAY. 🙅🏻‍♀️ So focusing on that one goal means no new cars, no house (apartment life, bby!), no fancy vacations so that every extra dollar is creating a PILE of MONEY to pay off those damn loans. We live cheaply and frugally to maximize the amount of DOLLA BILLS we throw in Sallie Mae’s face every month *muahahah*!👋🏼 However, sometimes you gotta travel— for work, a wedding or funeral, holidays, etc. so I put together a list of the FIVE things we do to save moolah when traveling. 🖐🏼 I hope it helps you stay focused on your $$$ goals! ✌🏼

some people make such a beautiful impact on your life that you can’t remember what life was like without them. That’s these people. It’s tough to find women who aren’t competitive, who selflessly want the best for you, who push you and love you exactly where you are, who genuinely ask how you are and want all the details, who defend you and pursue you. But somehow, we found each other and life has never been more fun. 💋

Last week, I was up at 4:30 AM every morning, kicked butt, had all my meals prepped on Sunday and was lovin’ life. Then, the weekend came and I got a little too crazy with the junk food, my meal prep went ALL WRONG (wasting food KILLS ME), I pushed my morning workouts to afternoons, my sliders weren’t working and my body in general was like “wtf you doin”. 😑 I haven’t been able to get it together this week and I have been STRUGGLING through my workouts. I think I almost puked today. BUT, that’s not gonna stop me. Next week’s meal prep WILL be better, my bedtime will be earlier so my morning workouts can return and I’ll be 2 weeks stronger than when I started. Don’t let the little things discourage you. Keep those pretty little eyes on the big picture. ✨✌🏼

When life hands you stress hives, you turn around and say suckkkk it and find a way to calm yo life down so that you can function. So hello to trying to get enough sleep, leaving work at a reasonable time, not checking work emails at home and dousing myself in essential oils to get through the day. ✌🏼✨#AnnieGetsOily

The only time I set the bar low is for limbo. -Michael Gary Scott

My greatest strength is also my greatest weakness- my FIRE. Sounds cliche, but it’s inside me. I love to hustle, I live to grind, and if something is wrong or unfair or unjust, I can’t stop, won’t stop until I find a way to fix it. I often live life in black and white, based on principle. This makes me driven, focused but also inflexible and intense. •• Know who you are. Know your strengths. Know weaknesses. Be proud but be humble. Then, go set ya world on fire. 🔥

HBD to the Andy to my April. 😍😭 // I often think about how I’m the luckiest (and craziest) girl in the world to be married to you. Your love of life and other people is what makes you so amazing. You’re everything I want and nothing that I don’t (except when you sleep with the AC on 68....) 😘

Hi. Bye. 👋🏼 After working 13 hour days every day this week, I’m ready for a weekend. And by weekend, I mean laying in my bed with tea and a good book. Also, this book is in my top 3 greatest books of all time and Diana will always be my home girl. 🇬🇧 #anniereadsthings

“Yeah, I got responsibilities now. That means I’m not allowed to have fun anymore for the rest of my life.” -Angela Pickles a la Rugrats...but also me going back to work 🙃🙃🙃🙃

If you knew me at all last year, you knew that my job D•R•A•I•N•E•D my freaking soul. It’s hard to work so hard for 5 years, have a ton of student loans and then go to work to be cussed out by 7 year olds, feel physically unsafe in your classroom, be loaded down with awful curriculum you have to spend all night rewriting, and be told by parents that you should be fired. I started college so hopeful to change the lives of littles but the reality of teaching has set in. I spent all summer feeling sick to my stomach, knowing I had to go back to my own personal war zone this fall. If you’ve ever worked a job that stifles you, you know how miserable it is. So this is the Instagram reality... I am dreading the first day of school tomorrow. My anxiety has been insane. I know I can do it, I know I’m a great teacher, I know I’m making a difference but I honestly don’t want to do this anymore. I wish I had like a little positive quote or something to wrap this up nicely. But that’s not what life’s is right now. It’s hard and it sucks. So if you’re in the same boat as me with a crappy job, we’re gonna get through this 👊🏼

We met 7 years ago today in a crusty, old college house. Today, I love him more than I ever thought was possible to love another person. ❤️

Tan lines will fade...but the memories of not looking like a piece of pasty white bread will last forever. 🍞